my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
