accomplished twins. life is a go
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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