I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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