Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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