Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
