The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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