You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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