woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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