I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My feet surprised me
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