I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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