The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
