my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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