i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
