That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
