i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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