The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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