Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
