It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
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Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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