I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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