I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
