I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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