it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
