They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
