dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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