He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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