I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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