Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
