last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
