remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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