I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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