is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i drank out of a bidet.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
