Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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