There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
