If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
