It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
