so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
