Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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