I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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