Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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