are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
