Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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