I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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