I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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