I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
