I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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