You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
