she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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