I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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