I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
