My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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