I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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