dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
