I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
