Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
